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Here Are EDM’s Worst Acts According To A 35-Year-Old Man

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The now 35-year-old Walmer Convenience is at is again.  Recently, Walmer wrote a blog post naming The Top Worst Acts in EDM as Decided by a 35 Year Old Man”.  This list has changed over the past year, as Walmer has now gained another year of wisdom.  It features “EDM stars” like Hardwell, Dimitri Vegas & Like Mike, Alesso, David Guetta and Canage.  He talks about his dislike for their style and how they probably don’t even make their own music in the first place. I’ve highlighted some of my favorite comments below. Check out the full post here.

1. Hardwell

“Look at this guy. Every pic I see of him he looks like a virgin. Thing is I’m sure he f***ed way more chicks than me. My theory is that he has the disease from the movie Memento where every few minutes he forgets his entire life so as far as he knows he’s still a virgin. listen to this track. I think the genre is called ‘I haven’t Got My Dick Wet House”

“It’s terrible. The drop sounds like a dick jizzing with no one behind the wheel. Everything is messed the f*** up… If some f***ing isolated tribe heard Hardwell music they would be like ‘f*** guys we f***ed up, our gods are f***ing angry as sh** we need to just do everything the opposite of what we’re doing because this is a terrible sign.”

2. Dimitri Vegas & Like Mike 

“Behold, according to DJ Mag this is the NUMBER ONE ACT in the world. These guys might be from Europe but they look like the government collected the molly sweat of every douche bag in Las Vegas with a bad button up shit in bottle service and created life. The music sounds like it’s made for girls that peaked in high school. Listen and watch:”

“…This is music for people who crave going to Daytona Beach and in their first year of taking Molly.  This is music for girls who’s self worth is based on how many guys wanna bang them.  This is that “I’m going as a sexy cat for Halloween” type music.”

3. Alesso

“This guy’s music sounds like a corporation getting it’s first period. This f***ing drivel sounds like the music for a f***ing Sandals resort commercial.”

“It’s that sh*tty chord strum shit again because it’s made for people who order chicken fingers at a Chinese food restaurant.. And it’s still generic.”

4. David Guetta

“David Guetta is like one magic Christmas cocaine fell on a used tampon and it came to life. There was his terrible use of North American Aboriginal culture to promote a club night called ‘Fuck Me I’m Famous'”

“On top of that, All his f***ing tracks sound like someone else so let’s just f***ing say it: he doesn’t f***ing make them. This represents everything about David Guetta:”

“..Why is he still here?  Why do we keep him around?  We don’t need him.  He’s not necessary.  He’s like the EDM equivelant of your boy who you told could sleep on your couch for a little but and then he never leaves and starts being terrible.”

5. Carnage

“I feel bad in a way for Carnage because from what I hear he’s not really a bad guy. He’s the only one on this list who isn’t some f***ing white ass Euro douche. I happen to like a lot of the tracks that are credited to him (key word ‘credited’).

“But dude just represents everything wrong with EDM. He doesn’t make his own sh**. Like when dude was in that tutorial vid where he was explaining sh** like he had just fallen out of a uterus full of weed smoke that was it… He’s the face of a f***ing corporation. All his Chipotle sh** and everything, dude is just an industry.”

Source: Magnetic Mag

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